So, I’ve been invited to help launch a new Gay Romance book group with a few authors I know. Come check it out!
I’ll probably end up talking about all the LGBTQ themed movies I end up watching too.
Anthony Bourdain lost the fight with his disease, depression, today, and was found dead while on location in France. He was working, going through what I can only assume is a usual daily routine for him.
That scares the hell out of me.
My heart bleeds for his daughter and the rest of his family and every person who loved him and knew him. Even his hardcore fans are in my thoughts.
My husband was and remains in awe of Anthony Bourdain. They have many parallels in their lives, both love good food and to cook, both have depression, and both have had serious alcohol problems in the past. My husband frequently pointed to Anthony Bourdain during a now familiar argument. The argument would always begin like this—
Me: You’re not supposed to drink on the pills that keep your brain functioning. They literally make your brain not hurt you.
Husband: I won’t drink in the house. I’ll do what Anthony Bourdain does, he only drinks when he’s out having a good time.
This always enraged me.
For a very long time I loathed and despised Anthony Bourdain. I wasn’t even able to enjoy his shows because every time I saw that silver hair and those deep eyes I thought, “You’re the reason my husband still thinks it’s okay to drink. You’re such a fucker.”
Now? Now I feel terrible. Now I see other possibilities: He was fighting hard to achieve balance and stay well, and that was his solution, to still drink sometimes so that he wouldn’t throw it all over and go on a bender one day. And in the end, no matter how hard he fought, no matter how successful he was, that horrible disease won.
And it’s terrifying. I can’t help but see my husband there, my husband lying alone in some hotel room in France, off working away from his family and the people who might have been better equipped to help him see that he needed to go to the hospital or talk him down.
It doesn’t matter that my husband never leaves the county, let alone the country, to work. I can’t help but see those similarities.
What I’m hoping, very much, is that the tragedy of Anthony Bourdain’s loss to our community will compel more understanding of depression, especially for men. For many years, most of his formative ones, my husband who very clearly displayed depression and anxiety symptoms in hindsight, was told to “man up”, “stop being lazy”, and “get his act together”, when what he really needed was a serotonin reuptake inhibitor. Unfortunately, my husband’s first year of college was interrupted by his disease. He couldn’t make himself go to classes, he dropped out, he went home. It had a ripple effect on the rest of his life. To this day he hasn’t finished school and works jobs that he might not have if he’d finished his education.
But depression is a struggle, and it steals things from people. I’m glad it hasn’t stolen his life.
My husband is doing better now, after several frantic despair filled years, but it’s better by degrees. He still has days when he comes home from work and sleeps all day. He has entire weeks where he can’t sleep more than 4 hours a night because of his anxiety, and then he wants to turn to alcohol. Which is a trap, as it makes the medication less effective, and makes everything worse, which makes him want to drink more, and on into perpetuity until he’s an alcoholic mess again, which his family helps him avoid.
And that’s what people with depression and anxiety need. Friends and family. People to be there, not smother, but people close enough to say, “Hey, you’re not doing as well as you usually are, do you need anything?”
And I wonder if that person wasn’t there for Anthony Bourdain, or if they were was he a good enough actor that they never knew how terrible he was feeling? Was his decision to kill himself a dark whim that may have passed otherwise, but since he was alone, didn’t?
My husband has us, but I do lay awake and worry some nights about what might happen to him if I were in an accident and died and he was left alone. How long would it be before he followed me? We have children and they need him. Would they be enough to keep him going? These are the thoughts of people who love the chronically depressed. We know, deep in our hearts, that sometimes the people we love think about death as a soothing alternative to existing. And it terrifies us.
And we still love them with all our hearts.
Rest in peace, Anthony Bourdain.
May the end of your struggle shine a light on all the ways we can help those we love.
My life has had some interesting ups and downs in the last year. I gained (and lost) a day job, Sugar Plum has started a new job, and I went through some personal things that are still hanging in the wind, but through all of that, I’ve still be plucking away at the keyboard.
I’ve never really sat down to write a series before, but I’ve decided my next adventure is upward and onward into the land of MPREG.
The series begins with Incubus Adored, which has a tentative release day of May 17th. Every story is fully contained in and of itself and should be able to be read stand alone.
Those of you who know me are well aware that I have a tendency toward darker stories and story themes, and while this one is also a bit dark there is also hope in the end. I’ve decided to go indie publication with this series (Though I have a crack editor, and fearless band of supporters beta reading to help me pull it all together). Incubus Adored has a bit more sex in it than my last book, Secret Seth, but I feel it suited the story.
At this point I would be remiss if I did not thank Tricia Kristufek, who rips my work apart so I can put it back together.
So, allow me to share the blurb.
Peirs had accepted his life of servitude to an angel. His keeper asked only for a willing body, and in exchange his needs were met and he was fed and clothed. Peirs might have served the angel forever—it was the only life he knew—but one day Peirs discovered something he had no way to plan for. After a millennium, he was pregnant. Peirs now must summon the courage to escape his master and the unbendable angelic law that declared no half-breeds should live, but running into an angelic soldier in the back room of a bar wasn’t part of his plan.
After years of begging to go to the battlefields on Earth, Tabbis, the youngest angel in Heaven, finally got his assignment. Ready for heroics and bloodshed, he was stunned when he found enchanting and seductive Piers instead. Tabbis was duty bound to kill Peirs, but Peirs’s very existence challenged everything Tabbis thought he knew.
Tabbis needs answers. Peirs wants nothing more than to save his baby and live in peace. Can they band together to help each other? Or will the wrath of Heaven tear them apart?
The process for an indie book is so much more intense on my end than when I work with a publisher, but it’s been fun as well. I make all of the decisions, so if something is wrong in the end, it is all my fault, unlike when I have a book that a publisher is curating. I’m excited to get Incubus Adored out soon. Right now it’s back with my editor. I’ll go over it again, read it out loud, a final check, and then have it to the formatter. After that it’s only a hop skip and a jump to published.
So, save the date for this one. May 17th you’ll be able to pick up Incubus Adored as an Amazon exclusive release, also available in Kindle Unlimited.
Today I’m sitting down to begin the manuscript document for Incubus Lost Book #2 in the Gravidam series. If you would like to check out my regular updates on the Gravidam Series you can find those at the facebook page dedicated to it right here.
While you wait for Incubus Adored, check out Secret Seth. It’s available for purchase and through Kindle Unlimited.
Tyler Faulkner lived for his work, constructing Hollywood sets. His designs were perfect, and he expected equal perfection from his crew and himself. But, talented as he was, he felt trapped. A creative clash with a producer left him out of more than just a job, and Tyler decided that maybe a new beginning was exactly what he needed.
Seth Goodwin was reliable. So rock-steady that his father made him a partner in the family construction business over his older brothers. Seth’s job was simple—he took a highly skilled crew out on the road to build ridiculously expensive projects for rich clients. Their success prompted Seth and his dad to hire a new designer.
Seth wasn’t so steady around Tyler. Tyler didn’t simply draw art; he forced it into reality, elbowing his way into Seth’s work crew and life, whether he wanted him there or not. But Seth had a secret he’s been keeping for a long while, and Tyler, flamboyant and verbose, wasn’t someone who fit in a closet, unless he was looking for the perfect shoes to go with his outfit. Would Seth and Tyler be able to make it work? Or would everyone’s secrets catch up with them?